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Feb. 7th, 2006 @ 01:11 am
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There is as thing as grace.
Two years...I was so different then. My heart yearns for how I felt two years ago. Before everything happened. Before I traded my birthright for sexually perverse actions. I was so naive.
Please know the gravity of sin. It comes to kill and destroy, nothing good will ever come of it.
Although my soul is safe as a child of God...I have fallen from His feet and into the abyss of self hate, depression, and loneliness. What I thought would bring me closer actually built a wall of denial and anger in between us...I'm so sorry.
I'm sure none of my old friends will see this. My community is gone now. What I worked hard to achieve is destroyed. Not that it was anything. God could have used me so much better if my pride had not got in the way. That pride is what made me fall. In my arrogance I thought that I could continue my secret sin in moderation and still be able to be with God. How foolish was I. I doing that, I became the very thing I hate.
As I look at the waste and desolation my foolish decisions have created, I begin to wonder if my world will ever be the way I want it again. I wonder if healing can come to my world, or if it's been too long and too much...
There is a thing as grace.Current Mood:  Spread Thin |
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Peace. Joy. Love. Faithfulness. God You're AWESOME!!!
I love You, thank You for everything. Thank You for prayer, and thank You for Your renewel and faithfulness. You are amazing. You're better than anything and everything. Thank You for loving me.Current Mood:  peaceful |
| » Who am I? |
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Well...computer's still down, but Mother let me have the computer for a while so that I could write my paper for English. Well, it's done, but I really want to share it with you all (I'm also using this as a spell check). I'm sorry I can't get on as much as I used to. Remember guys, I want to get on, I just can't. I feel so bad that I can't get on, I feel like I'm letting you guys down. I'm sorry. Here's the paper.
( Who am I? )
Aug. 18th, 2004 @ 04:31 pm
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| » Sorry |
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I'm at my mother's computer at the moment. Mine crashed. I'm trying guys, really trying to get back and running...it's really hard though because I only have an hour a day and I have other things to do as well. I'm trying to get my computer running up, it will be as soon as possible okay guys? That's why I'm gone right now...I really don't want to be.
Put God first, everything else should fall into second place...He loves us. He loves us so much. Why don't we return that love, because we don't realize it. We just dont' realize it. He's so good to us it's not even funny. Psalm 13:6.
Aug. 13th, 2004 @ 10:31 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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I basically got a kick in the face last night, but it was a good kick. I needed it. I've been a really big jerk. I get that way when I'm tired, but that is not an excuse at all. Camp was sucky because I was being a jerk-face the entire time. I don't really want to talk about it. Let's just say that I threw myself a great big pitty party the entire time and didn't even let God tell me that I was. I learned a few things, but I bet I would have learned a lot more if I kept a positive attitude.
Stupid me.
Guys...all my friends...I doubt you're reading this, but I'm sorry, really sorry. 'Speically you, Cynthia. Forgive me?
Aug. 10th, 2004 @ 01:14 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Well...I'm back from camp. It was fun, I'll give you the long low down later, but I'll talk a little now.
I didn't get a "camp high" that I was expecting. Of course I was going to keep it going if I got one, not lose it in 3 days like everyone and their dog do, but I didn't get a camp high. Really...camp wasn't fun. I mean I had some fun times, I liked a lot of it, hiking, rafting, going on a bear hunt with kids, but all in all, what God had to show me I didn't really want to see.
I did listen, I'm still listening, but God had a really hard way of getting across His message. The first two days were hell and it slowly got better the rest of the week. I'll tell you more later but at the moment I have things to do. I just wanted y'all to know that I was back in town. I'll try to catch up on everyone's entires, no promises, I missed a whole week. God bless!
Aug. 9th, 2004 @ 02:04 pm
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| » Camp |
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I will be gone to camp for a week. I'll be back next sunday. We're going to Sipapu, New Mexico for a week of the rugged outdoors. It's gonna be fun. I've needed a small pick-me-up recently in my faith, and although it's already come and I'm getting more excited...I just want some awesome things happening in camp. I've been falling behind and I've realized it now...I need God to convict me of things and to grow in Him incredibly this week. I hope because Cynthia's going too that that won't be a problem, but I doubt it will, we've really started dating for God now...I mean I'm trying hard, she's trying hard, we're praying hard, we're studying hard, we're doing what God's told us, we're no longer dating for ourselves, I don't think it'll be a problem. I'll still pray. Pray for me that I come back renewed and awesome. I want to expereince God bad.
Jul. 31st, 2004 @ 10:09 am
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| » Last Night |
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Wow, last night was awesome. I got home from being at Cynthia's house. Her house wasn't bad at all...it just wasn't great...I left hungry. We didn't do our Bible Study that day...why I didn't know...but man I wish we did that everyday. I keep praying for God's blessing on it but it's not seeming to come...maybe we're not putting in enough effort.
Anyway I come home and wow...I had the most awesome conversation with Conoley, a guy I met like once, about God. We talked about all sorts of stuff, and he was really open with me, which I'm glad for. We talked about dating, pornography, masterbation, sin in general, deterioration of our faith, lust, and a whole lot of other stuff. It was great to help someone, I was speaking 90 to nothing and not bogging down once. Holy Spirit was so using me, I didn't even know what I was saying hardly. Praise God!
Me and Cynthia finished our list yesterday. I won't post it on here...I mean if I get consent from Cynthia and someone actually wants to see it they can, but I don't know...I dont' know why you would want to. Our list is pretty "conservative" but I think it's quite liberal actually from what other people have told me. Someone yesterday told me that, for him, only side hugs and holding hands would be okay before he got married. He wasn't imposing that on me or anything like that...he was just speaking for himself. I don't know...what do y'all think is "too far?" Or do you think there should be a too far? I want some answers on this when I get back, lol, I want a whole 200 comment thing so y'all think about that okay? Get in an argument, have a discussion, I'll be back in a week (as I'll describe in the above entry).
Jul. 31st, 2004 @ 10:04 am
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| » Stupid Quiz/Survey #1 |
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From now on I'm going to number the stupid quizzes and surveys I do. This is #1.
~LIGHT~ Caring and pure. They love their pack
members with all their hearts and will not
stoop so low as to bring harm to another. Thats
why pure Light wolves don't do well on hunts,
but they give wonderful advise on life topics.
What Wolf Element Are You? {Now with Pictures}
brought to you by Quizilla
Jul. 29th, 2004 @ 12:30 pm
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| » Jesus |
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I had a great day yesterday...great day. God's just been so good recently it's not even funny. He's shown how faithful He is when we follow His ways. He's shown how awesome He is when you just rest in His presence. He's shown how cool it is to read and pray again. God's just awesome.
I was singing this song in worship the other day (they were all awesome and all had experiences like this, it's just that the other's aren't near as describable, but this one isn't either, I'm gonna try though) and God showed me some awesome stuff.
Your Name is like honey on my lips
Your Spirit like water to my soul
Your Word is a lamp unto my feet
Jesus I love You, I love You
I got to thinking about all three of those.
Honey on my lips...
I have these popscicles I really really really like. They're actually fruit bars, it's basically real strawberries frozen inside frozen strawberry juice. If you suck on them long enough you thaw them for yourself and they're just so good it's not even funny. I love them. Since my parents are on the South Beach diet, there is no sweet stuff in my house. I like sweet stuff, healthy sweet stuff like fruit and yogurt, but I have to have sweet stuff with just about every meal. Recently I've been craving sweet stuff but it's very scarce. When I eat one of those popscicles...oh...it's so good. His Name is like honey on my lips...sweet stuff given to me because I crave it. That is was God should be constantly if we let Him.
Your Spirit like water to my soul...
One time I was at the fair. We were so thirsty...incredibly thirsty. We couldn't hardly breath because our throats were so dry (I am not overexagerating). We had to find water, and we had to find it right then. We went to the first booth that was still open (the fair was closing but it was a while's walk back to our house, we didn't take the car). They saw how thirsty we were and how we couldn't go to any other places and charged us $6 for tap water. We were happy to pay it, we didn't care that we were being ripped off because we needed water NOW!!! That is how we should be thirsting for God's presence everyday all the time. He's that good...why not want it?
Your Word is a lamp unto my feet...
I was driving home from Cynthia's house the other day at night down the highway. I was going down this stretch that was well lighted by street lamps and wanted to know if I could see without my headlights on. I turned them off, and sure enough, I could see. Well pretty soon ahead I saw that it was turning and there were no lights for quite a while so I turned my headlights back on before I hit this area. On the turn I was just curious and turned my headlights back off for about a second or two just to see how dark it would have been. I only knew where the road was because I saw it before I turned out my headlights, I couldn't see a thing. His Word is a lamp unto our feet...that's how dangerous it would have been, or is, to live without God's Word directing your steps.
I hope that was meaningful to you...it was awesome to me. I had already heard all that, but to put in in personal anecdotes and to just have it revealed by God was awesome. I hope He reveals it to you as well.
Jul. 29th, 2004 @ 10:34 am
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| » Kinda Like a Stupid Survey But Not Quite |
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INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Copy this whole list into your journal. 2. Bold/underline the things that are true about you. 3. Whatever you don't bold/underline is false.
I've put things in (parenthesis) you can just delete those if you choose for some unknown reason to do this.
( Kinda like a stupid survey but not quite )
Jul. 27th, 2004 @ 12:49 pm
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| » Awake |
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Man, today feels GREAT!!! I just woke up today and felt totally free!
To feel God back in my life is a great experience. I asked Him to never let me turn away again...never again will I not follow His ways because they are Better!
Oh I feel great. And that Cynthia was thinking the same thing feels awesome!
GOD IS GOOD!
Jul. 27th, 2004 @ 07:34 am
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| » Here I Am Lord |
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God is so awesome!
I've given my dating relationship totally to Him.
I confess me and Cynthia have been dating for ourselves. We've gone through about 3 times saying something's wrong, agreeing to do something about it, and then doing nothing. We even eradicated kissing...but God was telling me (and I knew He was telling me) to do more. I gave a Cain sacrifice instead of an Abel sacrifice. God told me to give more than kissing away...I knew it and didn't. I was a mixture of Abel and Jonah, the bad qualities of both.
Now I know I've done wrong and am sorry. I've made it right. God told me to give my relationship, not just parts of my relationship, to Him. I didn't listen so last night He gave me a wake up call. I blatenly told the Holy Spirit, "No," and it scared the hell out of me (lol, pun intended). I surrendered it all to Him. It's His.
Me and Cynthia are making a list of things we will do physically and things we will not. I will not post this list on this journal publically or privately but I will give a copy to a friend, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dingus_xiii, and to a spiritual mentor of mine. She'll give it to a friend of hers and a spiritual mentor of hers. We'll each have a copy of it for ourselves as well. 6 copies in all. A convenant between 7 parties (the last being God of course). They'll hold us accountable and we'll make sure that we stay within the guidelines. Unless we get married we will stay in those guidelines.
It feels great. God is so good!
The song is fitting isn't it? Total accident.
Jul. 26th, 2004 @ 08:42 pm
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| » Aliens |
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Psalm 9:1-2 (Message Paraphrase)
"I'm thanking you, GOD, from a full heart,
I'm writing the book on Your wonders.
I'm whistling, laughing, and jumping for joy,
I'm singing Your song, High God."
Read that and don't get excited. I dare you. It just reminds me of a time when God revealed something to me, something awesome. He told me that I would someday be perfect. That was an amazing time. I was so excited I started jumping up and down, my head hit the ceiling (just to tell you, I'm not that tall), and when it did I fell on the floor laughing hysterically for 10 minutes because I was so excited that I was going to be perfect. I jumped some more and then ran out to my car and found Cynthia and told her the good news. That is what this verse is talking about.
Here's the Kicker:
That's suppossed to be our attitude ALL THE TIME. Never should we just be complacent with God, how could you be? God is too cool to just be complacent with! If Christians would be that excited about God all the time so many people would want to be Christians it wouldn't even be funny. Sure, some people would think we're wackos telling someone we've had the worst day of our lives with a genuine smile on our faces, but so many others would want that. Image the witness!
I'm reading Jesus Freaks and there are numerous torture stories. One was of a Roman guard who torchered Christians regularly. They made him uneasy as they praised God and smiled as he was crushing their bones with a hammer or ripping their arms out of socket. One day he captured 40 Christians and was marching them to be torchered. He asked one of the Christians about God and they told him. When they got to the camp the guard told the head dude to put his name down as well because he had become a Christian. He wanted that.
How's your life show how much you love God?
Jul. 26th, 2004 @ 08:24 pm
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| » Stupid Survey |
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I need to spend more time in the Word and prayer, but at the moment the kiddos are winding down. Once nap time starts I'll pray and read more. I need a lot of strength from God today.
( Stupid Survey Probably No One Will Read )
Jul. 26th, 2004 @ 12:30 pm
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| » Purity |
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Purity is not a line
Purity is running as far away from impurity as possible. It is not wanting to taste impure things, or even look at them. It is despising impurity.
Getting as close to sin as possible without sinning...is sinning.
God's better.
Jul. 26th, 2004 @ 09:43 am
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| » Real |
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You can say you want God all you want.
You can go to church, read your Bible, pray occasionally.
You can tell God you love Him, you can even make sacrifices for Him.
Until you know that God is the best thing out there, until you know that nothing is better than Him...you will never experience His greatness.
I am not perfect...I know this. I do have God...I know this. With God...I can be perfect. With God...perfection should be strived for. Why then do I do the things I do?
Jul. 26th, 2004 @ 09:38 am
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| » Wandering Around a Thoughtful Mind |
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This entry is looooooooong. I'm sorry...not really. You can read it if you want...I'd like you to, but if you don't, I understand that you're just too lazy to read someone's heart. No guilt intended. *michevious laugh*
*wonders for a second if he spelt mischevious right, then realizes he's spelt it two different ways*
( Sleeping )
( The Future... )
( The Change of Pace )
( Parents )
( *Ponders* )
( Frustrated )
This entry is getting really long. I'm sorry, but I'm not done.
( Yesterday... )
( Kissing )
As you can see my mind's going every which way. I think I'll lj cut this so it doens't appear so big. Okay...I think I'm done with that.
Jul. 25th, 2004 @ 04:49 pm
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| » Cynthia |
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Long day...can't talk about it really. Could y'all just pray for Cynthia? She's going through a whole lot right now...a whole lot. I can't even begin to describe, nor will I, I promised I would not. I can't mention anything...it's not bad perse...it's just really hard. I'm just rambling, but could y'all pray for her? Thanks.
Jul. 24th, 2004 @ 05:52 pm
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